At War Between Will and Will Not
Anyone who has read my blog knows I am a non believer, that is: non-religious and have my own ideas about life and creation and all things human.
However, lately I have been at war with myself between will and will not. Since my son was killed in 2001 I have not touched my guitars or made music. Understand that music has always been and still is very important to me. My thinking was and may still be that even though I do not believe in GOD, just in case I am wrong and the almighty does in fact exist. I figure that if my talent for playing my guitars are GOD given that I would play no more and thus say to the Heavenly Father “Yo big G, you can shove this talent up your harry ass!”
However, if I am to be honest with myself about my beliefs than if I do not believe in GOD then there is no reason to refrain from doing something that I truly love to do on the basis that I am sticking it to the Host of Hosts!
But now I have another issue. Now that I have been true to myself and NOT made music for 7 years, to do so now would feel like betraying myself. It would feel as though I was wusing out on my promise to show the self righteous son of a who knows what, that some people on this planet know he is just a spoiled child with an ant farm and doesn’t give a rats ass about us!
I also must realize that this is coming up because the anniversary of my son’s death is once again coming round. I know I get depressed this time of year and afterward it will pass.
Also I just watched a new DVD release last night, “Dan in real life” where Dan assisting his brother in a family talent show had to play his guitar and sing for the first time since his wife died in order to help his brother win the heart of a woman who Dan later on stole away from him and done the big nasty with!
It will also be apparent that lately the only time I post a new blog is this time of year when my son’s absence is all up in my face.
I plan on removing my son’s coats and hats from the area by my front door this year where they have hung quietly and untouched for the last 7 years. While this seems like a small thing to most, it is quite a big thing to me and once done cannot be undone. Even if I were to put the coats back after removing them it would be me doing it and not him. Very few things of him exist now except memories and the memory of him hanging up and leaving his coats and hats there by the door is one of only a few things that force me to think of him every time I come and go from the house.
Thinking of him is very important to me and that too is fading.
However, lately I have been at war with myself between will and will not. Since my son was killed in 2001 I have not touched my guitars or made music. Understand that music has always been and still is very important to me. My thinking was and may still be that even though I do not believe in GOD, just in case I am wrong and the almighty does in fact exist. I figure that if my talent for playing my guitars are GOD given that I would play no more and thus say to the Heavenly Father “Yo big G, you can shove this talent up your harry ass!”
However, if I am to be honest with myself about my beliefs than if I do not believe in GOD then there is no reason to refrain from doing something that I truly love to do on the basis that I am sticking it to the Host of Hosts!
But now I have another issue. Now that I have been true to myself and NOT made music for 7 years, to do so now would feel like betraying myself. It would feel as though I was wusing out on my promise to show the self righteous son of a who knows what, that some people on this planet know he is just a spoiled child with an ant farm and doesn’t give a rats ass about us!
I also must realize that this is coming up because the anniversary of my son’s death is once again coming round. I know I get depressed this time of year and afterward it will pass.
Also I just watched a new DVD release last night, “Dan in real life” where Dan assisting his brother in a family talent show had to play his guitar and sing for the first time since his wife died in order to help his brother win the heart of a woman who Dan later on stole away from him and done the big nasty with!
It will also be apparent that lately the only time I post a new blog is this time of year when my son’s absence is all up in my face.
I plan on removing my son’s coats and hats from the area by my front door this year where they have hung quietly and untouched for the last 7 years. While this seems like a small thing to most, it is quite a big thing to me and once done cannot be undone. Even if I were to put the coats back after removing them it would be me doing it and not him. Very few things of him exist now except memories and the memory of him hanging up and leaving his coats and hats there by the door is one of only a few things that force me to think of him every time I come and go from the house.
Thinking of him is very important to me and that too is fading.
posted by half_cent | 5:16 PM
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