Open Letter to my Son
Open letter to my son…
Eric, first I want to say how much I miss you. Missing you is like a dull headache that never goes away.
I also want to say that I am sorry for not protecting you better. There are things that I can see now that I didn’t know before. I guess when something tragic like this happens you have a lot of time to reflect and self-reflection is a powerful thing.
I never told you how proud I was of you and how lucky I always felt for having you as my son.
Let me just tell you now that you were a wonderful son and I wouldn’t have changed you for the world. I would if given another chance change some of the things between us however.
I would have certainly spent more time with you, and I would have told you how much I loved you and loved being your dad more often than I did.
I wouldn’t have trained you to drink. I didn’t realize it before but I know now that the little game we used to play, me yelling for a beer and you running to the fridge to get me one from the time you could walk and then giving you the first sip as a reward was stupid. At the time it was us sharing a moment, us bonding, father and son doing those father and son things. But I realize now that I was training you to drink from the time you were one year old. I thought it was great fun and you obviously wanted to please your dad. Eric I am sorry I didn’t know better.
I am sorry that I bought my first Harley in 1996. I didn’t realize it then because I was so self absorbed but thinking back I realize how close you and I were. How we always did things together on the weekends. We were always going fishing or hunting or camping and after I got the Harley that all seemed to stop. I was so caught up in the whole Harley thing; going on rides every weekend that I didn’t realize I was ignoring my best friend. I didn’t realize at the time how it must have hurt you to suddenly be excluded from my life. I was ignorant and selfish and I will spend the rest of my life regretting that happened and wishing you were here if only for a moment so I could apologize.
I’m sorry for not listening to you more and understanding your problems and being there to support you.
I know now that moving you to a different school was a very good idea and it was your idea and you told me a year before and I didn’t listen to you. I know now that much of the trouble you got yourself into could have been avoided if I had only listened to you.
Son, I never told you how proud I was of you when you graduated from High School. I never told you how really proud I was of you for getting your act together and owning up to your responsibilities and dealing with your drinking problems and the whole legal mess you found yourself in. I always thought it was unfair of the system to force you in to those programs but I was amazed by your positive attitude and your willingness to deal with it and put it behind you.
I was very proud of you when you went into the Army and I couldn’t have been more pleased with your accomplishments.
When I had my accident in “98” I was at first upset that you never came to see me in the hospital and I didn’t understand at the time but now I think I do. I think that we were so close that you didn’t want to see me like that and looking back on things I don’t blame you.
Eric I was always proud of you, and those times that I had to punish you for something or the times we fought wasn’t because I lost faith in you but because it was my job.
You always made me feel special by the way you looked up to me and always wanted to please me and get my approval.
From the first moments of your life when I took you from the delivery nurse and bathed your blue body in that warm water and watched you take your first breaths and feel comfortable in my hands I knew that it was possible to love another child as much as I loved your sister.
I never told you or her this but I was very worried that I couldn’t love another kid as much as I loved your sister. She and I were so close and we were such good buds that I just couldn’t see how loving another as much as I loved her was even possible. I use to lay awake at night and worry that you would be neglected and that I wouldn’t be as good a father to you as you deserved.
But then you were suddenly there and all that worry and concern just melted like my heart.
That last Christmas we spent together when I bought you the Fender “Strat” and started teaching you to play was absolutely terrific. Watching you hammer on that son of a bitch at night trying to play along with me and making such a racket that no one could stay in the same room with us was some of the best times in my life. I don’t know if you were truly interested in learning or if you just did it for me but either way it was great!
Eric that last week of your life seems now to have been a very special one. I know we couldn’t see it then and there is no way we could have known but looking back on it, it seems to have been an extraordinary week.
You and I spent the entire weekend looking for you a truck and then finally finding the right one and buying it. That was a very special week in my life and one that I will never forget.
As crazy as this sounds, I much regret making you buy your own lunch at McDonalds that Sunday during the car search. I remember telling you that because I was taking you all over Northern California car hunting that you had to buy me lunch. Although I couldn’t bring myself to making you buy me lunch I did however make you buy your own. I’m sorry for that too.
After finding and buying your truck I helped you study for your drivers license and when you got it I was extremely proud of you, but that is a double-edged sword. Since your death I’ve learned that you were a terrible driver. You were inexperienced and didn’t pay attention to what you were doing. Eric, I feel like I should have known that and should have done something but I guess we just ran out of time.
But because of your new truck you spent the last week of your life going to all your friends and relatives to show off the truck and managed to see most everyone.
I remember vividly that last night as you were leaving the house for the last time never to return. I knew you were going out with your friends and I knew you would most likely be drinking and I said the customary things, “don’t drink and drive” and “always wear your seat belt”.
As it turned out you chose that night not to listen to me on both counts. Hindsight is such a bitch. Could I have stopped you from going out? Would it have mattered? Is life predestined or is it really just a bunch of random decisions? No, I don’t think I could have changed things, at least not for long.
Eric you were a wonderful son and the time you gave me was priceless. I don’t know why you had to leave or where you had to go but I can only assume someone else needed you even more than me.
I just hope the transition for you wasn’t too traumatic and that you didn’t find yourself confused and scared in a strange land.
Since I believe that we have known each other before many times and in many different lives that when we do (if we do), meet again it won’t be me the father and you the son but rather two godlike entities once again in each others presence, familiar but non-spectacular.
Eric, I hope it’s otherwise because as painful as it is I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. I hope when we do see each other again you will tell me all the things I never heard and this time I promise to listen.
Eric, first I want to say how much I miss you. Missing you is like a dull headache that never goes away.
I also want to say that I am sorry for not protecting you better. There are things that I can see now that I didn’t know before. I guess when something tragic like this happens you have a lot of time to reflect and self-reflection is a powerful thing.
I never told you how proud I was of you and how lucky I always felt for having you as my son.
Let me just tell you now that you were a wonderful son and I wouldn’t have changed you for the world. I would if given another chance change some of the things between us however.
I would have certainly spent more time with you, and I would have told you how much I loved you and loved being your dad more often than I did.
I wouldn’t have trained you to drink. I didn’t realize it before but I know now that the little game we used to play, me yelling for a beer and you running to the fridge to get me one from the time you could walk and then giving you the first sip as a reward was stupid. At the time it was us sharing a moment, us bonding, father and son doing those father and son things. But I realize now that I was training you to drink from the time you were one year old. I thought it was great fun and you obviously wanted to please your dad. Eric I am sorry I didn’t know better.
I am sorry that I bought my first Harley in 1996. I didn’t realize it then because I was so self absorbed but thinking back I realize how close you and I were. How we always did things together on the weekends. We were always going fishing or hunting or camping and after I got the Harley that all seemed to stop. I was so caught up in the whole Harley thing; going on rides every weekend that I didn’t realize I was ignoring my best friend. I didn’t realize at the time how it must have hurt you to suddenly be excluded from my life. I was ignorant and selfish and I will spend the rest of my life regretting that happened and wishing you were here if only for a moment so I could apologize.
I’m sorry for not listening to you more and understanding your problems and being there to support you.
I know now that moving you to a different school was a very good idea and it was your idea and you told me a year before and I didn’t listen to you. I know now that much of the trouble you got yourself into could have been avoided if I had only listened to you.
Son, I never told you how proud I was of you when you graduated from High School. I never told you how really proud I was of you for getting your act together and owning up to your responsibilities and dealing with your drinking problems and the whole legal mess you found yourself in. I always thought it was unfair of the system to force you in to those programs but I was amazed by your positive attitude and your willingness to deal with it and put it behind you.
I was very proud of you when you went into the Army and I couldn’t have been more pleased with your accomplishments.
When I had my accident in “98” I was at first upset that you never came to see me in the hospital and I didn’t understand at the time but now I think I do. I think that we were so close that you didn’t want to see me like that and looking back on things I don’t blame you.
Eric I was always proud of you, and those times that I had to punish you for something or the times we fought wasn’t because I lost faith in you but because it was my job.
You always made me feel special by the way you looked up to me and always wanted to please me and get my approval.
From the first moments of your life when I took you from the delivery nurse and bathed your blue body in that warm water and watched you take your first breaths and feel comfortable in my hands I knew that it was possible to love another child as much as I loved your sister.
I never told you or her this but I was very worried that I couldn’t love another kid as much as I loved your sister. She and I were so close and we were such good buds that I just couldn’t see how loving another as much as I loved her was even possible. I use to lay awake at night and worry that you would be neglected and that I wouldn’t be as good a father to you as you deserved.
But then you were suddenly there and all that worry and concern just melted like my heart.
That last Christmas we spent together when I bought you the Fender “Strat” and started teaching you to play was absolutely terrific. Watching you hammer on that son of a bitch at night trying to play along with me and making such a racket that no one could stay in the same room with us was some of the best times in my life. I don’t know if you were truly interested in learning or if you just did it for me but either way it was great!
Eric that last week of your life seems now to have been a very special one. I know we couldn’t see it then and there is no way we could have known but looking back on it, it seems to have been an extraordinary week.
You and I spent the entire weekend looking for you a truck and then finally finding the right one and buying it. That was a very special week in my life and one that I will never forget.
As crazy as this sounds, I much regret making you buy your own lunch at McDonalds that Sunday during the car search. I remember telling you that because I was taking you all over Northern California car hunting that you had to buy me lunch. Although I couldn’t bring myself to making you buy me lunch I did however make you buy your own. I’m sorry for that too.
After finding and buying your truck I helped you study for your drivers license and when you got it I was extremely proud of you, but that is a double-edged sword. Since your death I’ve learned that you were a terrible driver. You were inexperienced and didn’t pay attention to what you were doing. Eric, I feel like I should have known that and should have done something but I guess we just ran out of time.
But because of your new truck you spent the last week of your life going to all your friends and relatives to show off the truck and managed to see most everyone.
I remember vividly that last night as you were leaving the house for the last time never to return. I knew you were going out with your friends and I knew you would most likely be drinking and I said the customary things, “don’t drink and drive” and “always wear your seat belt”.
As it turned out you chose that night not to listen to me on both counts. Hindsight is such a bitch. Could I have stopped you from going out? Would it have mattered? Is life predestined or is it really just a bunch of random decisions? No, I don’t think I could have changed things, at least not for long.
Eric you were a wonderful son and the time you gave me was priceless. I don’t know why you had to leave or where you had to go but I can only assume someone else needed you even more than me.
I just hope the transition for you wasn’t too traumatic and that you didn’t find yourself confused and scared in a strange land.
Since I believe that we have known each other before many times and in many different lives that when we do (if we do), meet again it won’t be me the father and you the son but rather two godlike entities once again in each others presence, familiar but non-spectacular.
Eric, I hope it’s otherwise because as painful as it is I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. I hope when we do see each other again you will tell me all the things I never heard and this time I promise to listen.
posted by half_cent | 1:30 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home