The Lucky One

Sitting here alone in the dark listening to old music, nastalgic music puts me in a different place. It's a time machine that carries me back in time to a different place. A happier place, a place when I had my family around me, my whole family. That's a place where my son still lived, a time before he left, a time when his absence hadn't been felt or even dreampt of. An innocent time when the result of my choices hadn't visited yet.
Could I have changed anything? Had I not come to this place, had I not chose to work and live here would things have been different? Yes, absolutely, things would most assuredly have been different. But, we can't change the past. We can't go back and unmake the mistakes we can plainly see now were mistakes. Every step we take in one direction not only brings us closer to one reality but it also takes us further away from any others that we might have chosen.
The only solice I can take from this knowledge is that although a different decision way back then may have led in a different direction, that direction may have taken me to another place I didn't want to go. I cannot imagine losing anyone else that I love, my son was enough but, at the same time I realize I have suffered through most if not all of the major things that humans grieve over in this life. People say that I'm lucky. They say that because I'm still alive after many many chances that fate has had to take me from this life. I don't believe in luck and I certainly don't believe I'm lucky that I have not died when so many people I care about has. After all, death simply returns us to a where we belong. Those of us left behind here in this existance are not the lucky ones. We're the ones that continue to lose the lottery time after time no matter how many times we play.
I can see the future, at least part of it, it's not a happy one. Things are coming that I can't stop, things that must come, permanent things that have no upside.
Life truely is a bitch.....and then.....everyone around me leaves because as we know......I'm the lucky one!
NOT!